A blessing, or not a blessing? That is the question.

The Town:
Fayetteville has proven to be as fun, swanky, and unique as I always thought it would be. It feels a little small, but we have adjusted easily. Ryan asked me the other night if I would ever move back to Little Rock, and I answered honestly and told him all it would take is a mere mentioning of the idea. He, on the other hand, would have to be dragged in chains the whole way there, I'm quite sure. So this place is a nice compromise, I suppose.

Job Outlook:
I have to tell you that I feel insulted. Unappreciated. Let down. Humiliated...the list goes on. I did not find a teaching job, but I never could decide if I even wanted one if given the opportunity. For the past two years of teaching 10th grade English, I said aloud on a weekly basis that I wanted something different when school released for summer. The problem is that I didn't know then, and still have no idea today, what it is that I want to be doing.  Listen--that's for a different post. Or probably one already written.

Everybody knows the high schools in NWA are among the most competitive in the state, besides maybe Conway, Benton, and Cabot. They are bigger, they pay more, they are competitive academically, and it's harder for teachers to find openings in these schools. I got a call from Bentonville asking me if I would like to be a teacher's aide and help the 2nd grade teachers at a particular elementary school. Oh, if you could have seen the effects of my soul swelling with rage, pouring onto my face. I was mad for days. I'm still mad. In fact, I've taken on a new swagger that goes by the name of "bipolar." I'll be a raging rhino about it one second, and in lala land after weighing the pros against the cons, and vice versa all the livelong day. Seriously. It's enough to make a person insane.

I told Ryan for three days straight that I would never do it, throwing around phrases like "over my dead body!" and "I am SO overqualified--they better tell me that every day!" And, in fact, they have. I've heard them tell me on multiple occasions that they would be so lucky to have me, and I quite humbly have to agree.

I took the position. Want to know why? For completely selfish reasons. I do not know if I will ever go back into the land of education as a teacher. I might. But listen. This school starts at 7:30 AM and gets out at 2:30. Major perk. I can work another part time job with this schedule, if I want to, and I found that to be so exciting. I will not get paid anything like a teacher, but I will certainly be getting more than I would at a different, normal job, all while working 9-10 months out of the year and still being done with my work day at 2:30. Seriously fantastic. But the bad--oh the bad. I'll have another commute, but at least I'm used to that. I'll have to do duty. Yuck. And I'm sure I'll have to continually explain to people, friends, randoms, that I am certified to teach 7-12 grade English, and yes, I'm helping with 2nd grade. Ugh.

Here's what I'll be doing: there are five 2nd grade teachers at this school. Each teacher gets on hour per day to work with students on remediation and enrichment. During this time, the teacher will work with the kids who need remediation, and I'll be working with the ones who need enrichment. So, doing that for an hour with each teacher will be 5 hours of my day, and I'm sure the duty and whatever else will fill the rest. I'm seriously, frantically praying that I'm not bored out of my mind.

Back to some more of my favorites: ask any high school English teacher and she will tell you it is perfectly normal to clock 60-75 hours per week because the grading and planning is so intense--unlike any other. So, with that in mind, hallelujah for this job. My heart is physically fluttering in excitement. I will have no anxiety what-so-ever about the 130 research papers I have to grade next week and the 130 essays the next, and the novel I have to annotate before I can teach it the following week. Again, hallelujah. Nor will I have to worry about spending a lot of time in the morning preparing my physical appearance for the 130 judging eyes and outspoken tongues of these near-adults. Oh my gosh, hallelujah.

Another blessing that I'm choosing to see: I've wondered before if I would like teaching elementary, or if I would hate it. This is as good a chance as any to figure that out. I am already sad and mopey about not getting to have a relationship with a new group of super fun high school kids this year. Although I often hated the work, I equally as often would miss my kids on the weekends (what?! I know!) and during breaks, so I am certain to feel a void there this year. In fact, other than feeling like I'm going from being the president to a person who shovels pig poo, that is what I'm the most upset about.

Now, if you're still with me, it's important that you finish reading this paragraph, too. You've stuck with me this long, there's no getting out now! I have been feeling sorry for myself, but I'm over it. That's gone. So I don't want you to do that either. It's still a fresh wound and I'm liable to get annoyed with you if you ask why I'm not teaching high school this year. :) I might not ever go back, but I might. I can't decide. I'm seeing this year as a perfect opportunity for so many reasons. It will be good for me to be out of the high school classroom this year to see how I like being away from it, since that's all I've wanted the past two years. I know, how fickle can I be? But I'm not making that up. I feel so completely blessed because I'm being forced to face what I've claimed to have wanted this whole time. So we shall see.

I'm making an effort to not have such a despondent outlook. Despite these wretched circumstances, I truly believe this is for the best.

*Disclaimer: I'm sure I'll hate the snot and poop and whininess of the little kiddos, but come on. You know this is going to be a GAJILLION times easier than any real teaching position. I'm going to do it for this year whether I like it or not, and then make a move--either going back to school for something totally unrelated, trying again for a high school position, getting certified for P4, who knows. Just say a little prayer when I come to your mind, please.

Simply put, from this point forward, I refuse to be bitter. It's just a job. It's not who I am; It's merely what I do. And I might just be a little excited about it. :)