Control

My personality, drive, and mindset often lead me to interesting places. I'm in this wonderful and awful stage of life where every problem in the world is glaringly obvious to me, and I feel like I am the one who needs to fix it. I have always had trust issues, and have never, ever been able to delegate anything to anybody. So, what this means is that when I see a problem in town, I think, "okay... add a letter to the Mayor to my to-do list," and I actually do because I do not believe that I can trust anyone else who sees the same problem to take action.  I've considered continuing my education at the UofA because they have a Department of Education Reform and I'm just convinced that I belong there. I hear people say things that are crazy, unwise, or just plain wrong in my eyes, and I feel like it's my duty as a human to let them know. Ha! The good part is that I've tossed the "someone else will take care of it" mindset to the wayside. The bad part is that I too often take matters into my own hands--matters that don't belong there.

I am still on the "Bible in a year" plan, but I am also doing another Bible study which goes through the entire Bible and requires me to look at each story in the Bible and analyze what it means for women, what it means for our worldview, and the significance in the Word as a whole. It asks basic questions, but then always asks questions such as, "What was the purpose of God doing ____?" Or "So what does this tell us about God's character?" etc. I am obsessed with it, and the teacher in me instantly declared, "These are awesome, higher-level thinking questions!"

 In just a few chapters of Genesis alone, I suddenly saw what happens when the woman takes control. We have the infamous example of Eve, who took control and caused the Fall of man. Then, just a few chapters later, we have the example of Sarah taking control of their "infertility problem" and asking her husband to sleep with their servant, Hagar, who then gave birth to Ishmael. Many Arabs today believe that Muhammad was the chosen descendant of Ishmael, who again is the product of a woman taking matters into her own hands. I have read these stories several times, but because of the tough questioning in this study, I have an entirely new perspective of them and why we have them. And that wasn't even what the study was about! These are just two examples in a mere five or six pages of the entire Bible. I'm certain to find countless more examples as I continue.

I am still processing this and what exactly it means for me, but I know it is significant and will play a significant role in my life. Not only do I often take matters into my own hands instead of resting in the Lord, but I do the same with my husband, which makes it easy for him to forego his role as a leader... and then we're not at all living life as God intended. My new task: figure out a balance between being a doormat and being like Eve and Sarah.

Chew on that one with me.

Breakthrough

The title sounds dramatic, which is actually a perfect way to sum up events from the past couple of weeks. Or years. I had two interviews on Monday for library media specialist positions. Both interviews went well, and I know that I did not get one of the jobs. The principal was extremely encouraging, and if you want to know more, just ask. Afterwards, though, I became extremely confused. All of a sudden, I realized I was upset because this means the chances of me going back to the job I had last year are even greater. After going through a series of emotions, I again decided that I will do whatever I have to do to get by until Ryan finishes school in May. In summation, I'm okay. :-) My current (and past) crisis is that I cannot, for the life of me, determine what it is that I even want to do. I know I can do whatever it takes to get to wherever--that's not the issue. The issue is determining what it even is.

My mom bought me a book a couple of years ago that I finally decided to pick up and read yesterday. It's If you Have to Cry, Go Outside by Kelly Cutrone. I read half of it yesterday, and while it is perfect for me right now, I can't recommend it with a clear conscience. She is quite bold, and says many things that are just not based on a solid foundation. If you can read it while constantly weeding out the bad parts (she made up her own religion, uses plenty of foul language, etc.), you might find something good in it. The title of my blog post comes from a chapter she named, "It's not a breakdown, it's a breakthrough." The truth is, when we meet resistance, we have a choice: breakdown, or breakthrough?

A few bits of wisdom, if you will:
"You'll find as you set out after your dreams that most people don't really want you to transcend the situation you were born into. Perhaps they're scared for you, perhaps they don't believe in you, or perhaps they're just nasty, negative naysayers. Whichever it is, I advise you to stop sharing your dreams with people who try to hold you back, even if they're your parents. Because, if you're the kind of person who senses there's something out there for you beyond whatever it is you're expected to do--if you want to be extra-ordinary--you will not get there by hanging around a bunch of people who tell you you're not extraordinary. Instead, you will probably become as ordinary as they expect you to be. ...when you're the most happening person at the party, it's time to leave."

I love what she says here. I have been quite determined about my future before, only to have it squashed by someone to whom I told it. I realize much of what Kelly has to say in this book, and particularly in the passages I'm sharing with you, seems cynical. If you read it in the context of her life story, or of my own, to be honest, it will make more sense.

"...sometimes in life seasons don't come in order; instead of fall, winter, spring, summer, we get three winters in a row. But that doesn't mean spring won't come eventually."

"You can either let someone by protected from reality or let them be sculpted and birthed by it. I firmly believe the latter option is best. We're constantly getting these messages to mind our own business and look the other way if we want to be well liked, to not tell the truth or speak our mind or say anything too intense. Well, I'm telling you here that this approach not only makes you party to other people's crimes against themselves but is a prescription for mediocrity and delusion."

This one really challenged my thinking, although if you know me, you know these words could have easily come out of my own mouth. Clearly there has to be a balance, but I found it interesting nonetheless. It is so true that we can either be protected from reality or be sculpted by it. I love that.

"...as you move through your career and your life, you will have to learn that if you're not what you do, then what you do has no business keeping you entertained at night."

I have always, always said that "my job is what I do, not who I am." I know people--many people--who are their jobs. They let their jobs define them. I hope I never will. I couldn't help but smile as I read what she had to say.She's right: your job is not who you are; you should never lose sleep over it.

I'll share more passages as I continue to read. Again, it is a good book, and if you want to read it yourself, by all means do. But please do not recommend it to somebody if you haven't read it yourself...especially to someone who is not very well-grounded in the truth of Christ.

And so you can see a little bit of what I've been up to:

• Lots of dates with Ryan before August arrived. He is living out of town this month for a pharmacy rotation. Today I realized there are five weeks this month. Torture!

• The picture below is from our anniversary. We had the most wonderful date at a fancy local place, Bordino's, and I was so upset that we didn't get a good picture together. I asked a lady to take one, but quickly realized she was not in a state of mind to take a decent picture. So we took one in the mirror when we got home. Sad. 

• I've had a difficult time finding a way to decorate my dining room table, and dining room in general. Here's what I came up with:

• Below is the view from where I'm sitting right now in my living room, peeking into my dining room. I painted those frames black. If you look at my previous blog post, you'll see they used to be a variety of pretty colors. I loved them, but it simply wasn't working with everything else. I'm really, really happy with what I've got going on now!

• While I was reading outside in my back yard yesterday, I got a funny feeling and started looking around me for snakes and such. I didn't see anything at all, and continued reading. When I finally got up to go back inside, this was in front of the door! Weird, huh? My friends on FB assured me that it's a King snake and will eat other snakes. I wasn't scared at all, but it did strike two or three times in the opposite direction from where I was standing. 

Happy August!

A year

Ryan and I have been living in Fayetteville for one year now! It has gone by so quickly; it feels like we've only been here for a few months. We've had a great year so far and wasted no time diving right in and starting our lives here. We found our church home our first Sunday here, and have established some fun and edifying friendships. It took me a while--a long while--to even call this place home. Even a couple of months ago I was longing to move back to Little Rock. But, as with most things, I had a change of heart somewhere along the way. This is our home. We fit in, sort of. :-) We've found our place.

It might have taken me 6 months to call MLK blvd by the right name. I was used to JFK in Little Rock, so that's what came out of my mouth every single time. I'll probably never appreciate the congested highways here. And every August, I'll likely complain about the arrival of the college students. I still don't have the job I think I deserve, but that's ok. I'm content. We have so many things here--more important things--that we didn't have prior to moving here. So, a year later, I'll finally declare this as my home. I love this town...most days. ;-)

Picture walk through the past month or so: new arrangement on the wall (still need pics), new necklace from Ryan (acknowledging the crazy mess that I can be), chicken at Logan's shaped like a heart, and a pic of us (from tonight).  :-)

Also, my husband is totally finished with his coursework for pharmacy school!! He is now in his rotations, and on Friday will be finished with his first out of 9. This one has been at Washington Regional and is a pharmacy management rotation. Not his favorite, but he's done a great job! This was a little celebration for him that I put together after his last final. I'm so proud of him!